the lonely road

Clint/Coulson:

who cooks normally?: … so, I came to this road trip realization the other day in the car with Cee that, uh, Coulson is the food guy. The meeting with Sitwell in the diner, the doughnuts in the Thor short, the hotdog scene in Iron Man 2 - he’s the guy who loves food. Any time I think about the cracktastic idea of Coulson having a tumblr or something, I can’t imagine it being Avengers or Captain America themed - he’s that asshole who posts pictures of grilled peanut butter and banana sandwiches at 2AM and makes you have a craving for them. So - long answer short, I could see Coulson doing a lot of cooking. Not to say that Clint doesn’t, just that it would also mess with Phil’s neurotic tendencies to watch Clint mucking around in the kitchen.

how often do they fight?: Hardly ever. They’re grown men who don’t have time for games or arguments or any of that shit. Plus, they’re SHIELD agents and they’ve both had brushes with death, so they know how important it is to live in the moment. They say what they mean, mean what they say, and keep things open. Compromise is the essence of diplomacy, and diplomacy is the cornerstone of love!

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: I like to think that Clint makes awful puppy dog faces when Coulson isn’t around and Coulson, well, does his job very efficiently, but finds himself thinking about Clint more often than not. Then they do naughty things on Skype.

nicknames for each other?: I don’t think so. I think that Coulson has a way of saying ‘Barton’ that conveys the fact that he wants Clint to push him up against the wall and lay one on him like it means it. And Clint tries to do the same thing with the way he says ‘Sir,’ but it never really works out as well as the way Phil does it.

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: Both. Whoever picks the restaurant picks up the tab. Coulson likes to make Clint talk about work at least once, so he can bust out his SHIELD-issued black card and make the waitress stammer a little.

who steals the covers at night?: Clint doesn’t steal the covers, he starfishes out and flings them half off the bed. If Phil wants to keep warm, he has to induce Clint to spoon up somehow. Sometimes this means agreeing to be the little spoon.

what would they get each other for gifts?: Phil would get Clint the Dog Cops boxset and Clint would get Phil macaroons. (Because, as discussed, Phil is secretly a fat kid and loves food things.)

who remembers things?: Coulson remembers dates, figures, and details with alarming clarity. It goes with his sadistic automaton persona. Clint, meanwhile, remembers to pack spare trouser socks, because Phil forgets things like that and won’t admit to it.

who cusses more?: Sitwell. He out-cusses both of them and gets really ridiculously colorful. Suddenly ‘shitfucking ass-bandits!’ comes over the comm and Clint has a hard time keeping it together. But, you know, otherwise it’s Clint. He was practically raised in a barn.

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: Clint would sit in medical, kind of half-perched on one of those really uncomfortable chairs that are always in hospital rooms, just kind of watching and waiting for any sign of change in Phil’s condition. Meanwhile, Coulson would find who/whatever hurt Clint and make them/it hurt ten times worse, without breaking a sweat, in a true badass, Taken sort of fashion. AIM probably knows not to take Hawkeye down because the last time they did one of their guys got his testicles electrocuted.

who kissed who first?: Clint. He does stupid, impulsive things without thinking them through properly. He was halfway through explaining himself and apologizing when Phil kissed him back to shut him up.

who made the first move?: I think the first kiss would technically be the first move, but Phil would have definitely upped the ante and gotten handsy.

who started the relationship?: Coulson did. With one of those definitive ‘So, are we just fucking or are we in an actual relationship?’ questions.

—

Jack/Ianto:

who cooks normally?: I could go either way, here. If we’re speaking strictly canonical, though, neither of them cook. Ianto orders in, which is like cooking for them.

how often do they fight?: With fair regularity. It’s either an actual someone-gets-punched sort of fight or just snipping at each other, though. They never have constructive arguments and resolve anything. Sadly.

what do they do when they’re away from each other?: No much. They get on with business if there’s business to get on with or Jack does his mopey immortal thing, which isn’t much related to Ianto.

nicknames for each other?: Jack shortened Ianto’s name once, but didn’t like the death glare he got. Otherwise, it didn’t take Jack long to figure out that ‘Captain’ and ‘sir’ were Ianto’s ways of being playful, but he much prefers when Ianto calls him Jack.

who is more likely to pay for dinner?: Jack. And Ianto doesn’t much mind. It all comes from the same ill-gotten, Torchwood sort of place.

who steals the covers at night?: Jack, but he doesn’t really mean to. It’s usually a result of tossing and turning restlessly.

what would they get each other for gifts?: Jack is bad at gifts. Like, really very horrifically bad. He’d get Ianto a tie and Ianto would wear it quite dutifully. Meanwhile, Ianto defaults to gifts like bourbon, which then sits on Jack’s desk to a crystal decanter for ages. (It isn’t that he doesn’t like bourbon, but Jack in my head knows that he and alcohol are a bad mix and only falls off the wagon when he has feels.)

who remembers things?: Jack. Because he made a promise. He remembers things with clarity at first. Then after a few decades, it takes some time to recall certain things. A few more centuries and he actively has to remind himself what Ianto looked like, what his voice sounded like, how he smelled, what his favorite color was. But he remembers. Even after a thousand years, he remembers.

who cusses more?: Ianto. Jack is surprisingly PG with his language, probably because he’s a Doctor Who character.

what would they do if the other one was hurt?: Jack is diligent when Ianto is injured and Ianto kind of over-compensates, because no one takes Jack’s injuries seriously.

who kissed who first?: Ianto. Jack was snooping around the Archives and a little too close to Lisa for comfort, so Ianto distracted him the only way he knew how.

who made the first move?: Ianto. For the above reasons.

who started the relationship?: Ianto. At first, after Lisa died, it was a familiar comfort thing. And then it just sort of continued.